The Specialized Schools Blues | Reality Sets in for Parents
Posted by Joshua C. Doyle, M.Ed. on Tue, Apr 28, 2009
Parents often hope that all of their struggling children's problems will simply vanish upon enrollment in specialized schools or programs. Frustration therefore tends to mount early in the process since most families have had to make enormous personal and financial sacrifices in real-time to get their children the most appropriate help available. So, despite the build-up of many, many years leading to their children's struggles, parents want to see a quick return on investment in the form of significant change in academic and personal development.
Typically, children come home to visit during a holiday or school break and complain how they do not want to go back to their specialized schools or programs. They try to their best to wear their parents down to the point that the parents' hope for a "new relationship" with their children seems impossible. Rather than gratitude, they only receive gut-wrenching guilt-trips.
And then, during subsequent phone calls, these students may embellish stories or even fabricate disturbing scenarios to send their parents over the edge. There is nothing more difficult for parents than to sit on the other end of those phone calls, especially as they are so far away, so detached from what their children are experiencing. They feel completely powerless, especially as the stakes seem so high in those moments.
Advocating for struggling children in specialized schools and programs feels like a full time job. Oftentimes, parents put their own needs on the back burner during that time and suffer dramatically. Friendships are neglected, pastimes abandoned, marriages challenged, and other children's needs are overlooked.
So, how can you as parents find some relief and entrust the professionals at these specialized schools and programs to enable the real work to progress? And how can you simultaneously avoid hindering that progress by micro-managing your child's treatment or education?
1. When you get a phone call from your child about an incident, say to them "I know you are upset but you need to speak to a staff member about this." The greatest skill a parent or school can teach their child is "self-advocacy." This will prevent your child from thinking he/she can embellish or manipulate you. It is important that your child knows that you are supporting the school; if you come off anxious or disenchanted, he/she will exploit that. No school or program is perfect, but the good ones know how to manage expectations and work with you to establish a common platform from which to work collaboratively. Here's where educational consultants can help significantly as well... we're really good at helping you differentiate between an issue with your child and an issue with that specialized school or program.
2. If that specialized school or program has a parent mentoring program, take advantage of it. The struggles that engulf you while your child is getting help can leave you feeling very isolated. Sympathy from friends and family is often NOT enough. They likely cannot relate. Empathy and support from others who have had a similar experience will aid you through the process in a way you cannot even imagine.
3. Treat yourself to guilt-free pleasures. Reconnect with your old friends and re-engage prior passions. Spoil yourself on occasion - you need to go on living even if it is tougher to do so under the current circumstances.
4. Seek counseling. It is unreasonable to think that you will be able to get through this process unscathed. Optimally you should work with a practitioner who is both supportive of and familiar with the impact that a specialized school or program can have on your family system.
Leave a comment and let us know what you have experienced either as a parent or a professional.