Posted by Joshua C. Doyle, M.Ed. on Wed, Jul 28, 2010
For well over a decade I have seen adolescents able to consider post-secondary options that would have not been possible in the past. We are fortunate to have made great strides within the mental health world, although we still have a long way to go! With increased awareness of mental health issues (early intervention, pharmacology, and counseling) paths and doors are now open for many students who would never have been able to succeed in this direction before. While in high school, under the watchful eye of their parents, many adolescents seem to be able to handle the academic and emotional rigors of college. Some parents, worried that cutting the umbilical cord will cause the child to fail, become codependent rather than instilling the confidence and engaging the support of others at the college to do what they perceived as their job.
The constant level of communication between parents and their children with cell phones, texting and emails was baffling to me in my last position in college admissions. In various workshops and conferences I attended, I was stunned how despite the increasing selective admissions process at colleges, more and more students were not able to function independently. In many cases, there were students who did not disclose to the colleges their history of depression, substance abuse or anxiety. Many parents were fearful their son or daughter would not be accepted if they disclosed these struggles. Even more shocking was how many students and their parents had somehow convinced themselves that the start of college was a new beginning and the struggles of the past would somehow disappear. Unfortunately, this wishful thinking rarely worked out in the end. More often than not the inability of the students to handle college was an enormous setback for the entire family and the letter, typically arriving around Christmas, would ask the student to pack up before the next semester began.
When I was working in higher education I was never privy to what these students did after their sudden and premature departure from college. It wasn’t until I became an educational consultant that I found myself once again working with these troubled young adults but in very different circumstances, many of them living at home with their parents with absolutely zero prospects for the future.
The sad truth of the matter is that many of these young adults were set up to fail. The idea that a college will relieve the emotional and temperamental setbacks these young adults have had in the past is wildly unrealistic. If anything college can exacerbate these issues and I can’t help wonder how much pain they would have been spared if they had been set on a more realistic path from the beginning.
Many colleges now have support systems in place to help students with a variety of struggles. Families need to take to take advantage of these opportunities in the selection process. It is imperative that a school know if the students have any special needs (academically and/or therapeutically). Knowing this will only help the school help the student stay afloat. The idea of not disclosing this information during admission process will only hurt the young adult in the end.
Posted by Leslie S. Goldberg, M.Ed., CEP on Wed, Jul 21, 2010
No, this blog is not about a new concept for a high school. Nor is it about getting intoxicated in the woods. “Wilderness high” is the incredible feeling that participants with a successful wilderness experience feel upon completion of a specialized outdoor therapeutic experience. The feelings of confidence and competence, the feelings of “can do” rather than “can’t do”, the feelings of excitement and optimism… the transformation is simply amazing for these students who had prior feelings of hopelessness and helplessness before participating.
As an educational consultant for 25 years, I have seen the growth and changes in the industry, but the power of this experience 
remains the same. There are some down sides, however, to this incredible sense of power when leaving such a program. Since wilderness cannot last forever, participants must necessarily move on to a longer term therapeutic program, a school, or home. Please don’t misunderstand; this is not a bad thing, but parents, adolescents and young adults must realize that they will be the “newbies” at the next step, whatever that looks like. For example, if it is a therapeutic program or a new school, the student will typically begin at the bottom of the social and academic ladders, having to gain respect and privileges all over again. If they are going back home or to a former school they will have to work doubly hard to “prove” themselves.
A barrier to success? Absolutely not! A challenge? Sure. This transition is actually a life skill that everyone will experience when entering a new job, school/college, or relationship. The most important lesson is that this occurrence is inevitable and the more preparation on the part of the student and the family, the better. There will be no surprises when the honeymoon period wears off and the reality may induce some brief regression and old behaviors. If we are all prepared for this, however, we can remind ourselves that this is, in fact, what we knew would occur and that it will be over quickly if we, the collective transition team (students with parents, educational consultants, therapists, etc.), handle it collaboratively and productively.
Posted by Adam R. Goldberg, M.Ed. on Mon, Mar 29, 2010
Dad was failing rapidly and needed a new kidney. The world stopped. Nothing else mattered. We came together...
Enter team #1, a hospital whose philosophy and practice revolved around looking to our family's decision-making process: "Which of the three sons (all anatomical matches) would step up to be the donor?" "How would we manage the period leading up to the transplant?" "How would we handle the recovery period?" All good questions and perfectly rational... that is, if we were not in crisis and were thinking completely clearly.
Enter team #2, a different hospital team which anticipated that we would not be thinking clearly and advised us accordingly: "Based on our experience, here's what's going to happen..." "The following are things you probably have not thought of yet, but that you need to know, no matter how hard to hear." "Based on our assessment, here's who should be the donor and why." Big, big difference.
Why do I bring this up? It dawned on me the other day that this is exactly what prospective clients are weighing when they are in a bind with their struggling child. In crisis, people need conviction and experience since they cannot be expected to rationalize every step on their own.
I've been there. I'd like to think that those in my family are loving, sensitive, rational, intelligent, and problem-solving above all... but, you can throw that all out the window when a crisis takes hold (even when some of those family members are in crisis educational consulting themselves!).
For the families who reach out to us, they are doing so for good reason. Most have been directed by other professionals or former clients who have been there as well and know in hindsight from their own tribulations that they need that level of conviction and experience to make it through.
In case you're wondering, our family is doing well several years later. On most days, we even forget what we went through. Imagine that...
Posted by Leslie S. Goldberg, M.Ed., CEP on Tue, Feb 23, 2010
We have always heard stories about kids saying unkind things to others. Remember reciting "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me"? Never did I imagine I would become nostalgic for that.
Unfortunately as media and technology have become more sophisticated so have those who hurl insults at others. In times past, bullies simply spread rumors person to person. Then they went virtual, moving insults to email messages and texting. Now they're leveraging the Social Mediasphere (Facebook, My Space, Twitter, etc.) and the hurtful content is out there for all to see.
It seems that nothing can or will be held back by the kids who are out to belittle another student. Fabricated stories are published online, photos are shared with the world, no matter how personal, hateful, or illicit they may seem. Hardly a month goes by that we don't hear about the child who took his or her own life as a direct result of such harassment.
What can parents do? Nearly every child has a cell phone or computer. It is our job as parents to oversee what kinds of messages are being sent and received. This is not a matter of being nosy or invading our children's privacy; it is simply a way to know if they are involved in either cyber-bullying or sexting. (sending inappropriate pictures by text on one's cell phone, which can then be distributed online).
Talk openly with your children. Let them know that you are current in your understanding of these issues. That way, you establish credibility as a savvy parent. The more your children, especially adolescents, know you can relate, the more likely they are to share thoughts, opinions, and concerns with you.
Get involved. Recent cases of suicide due to cyber-bullying covered in the media have opened a lot of eyes. As a result, parents, community leaders, school officials, and clergy have jumped into the mix to urgently address the issue.
Finally, keep on top of the issue. As quickly as bullying jumped into cyberspace, it is likely that it will continue to morph into new formats over time.
What will that look like in future years? Share your thoughts and any predictions...
Posted by Joshua C. Doyle, M.Ed. on Mon, Jan 04, 2010
Oftentimes I meet with parents of an at risk child who know conceptually that some sort of intervention is required. However, their heart isn't there yet.
They want to believe that, because their child has not hit rock bottom at that point, there is still some hope. This, for instance, can hold true for a child who suffers from depression or other inward-directed emotions. If that child is physically present, parents can often convince themselves things will turn for the better because they can protect their child and are convinced that, as problem-solvers themselves, they can control the situation.
This is not always the case, however, for a child who is either overtly abusing substance(s) or is directing behaviors outward through defiance or rage. The problems *appear* much more acute and parents can feel as though they have no other choice but to act.
In the former case, if a child is spending 14 hours per day gaming on the Internet, the parent may rationalize that at least that child appears happy and is engaged in something seemingly innocuous. Similarly, the child who is severely depressed and doesn't want to leave the home may make the parent feel that the only place he/she feels "safe" and "wanted" is home under their care.
The sad truth is that, more often than not, parents are enabling their children because they fear loss of love as a consequence of intervening. A child can often falsely empower parents by appealing that he/she will never be happy leaving home and that trust and understanding is at stake. Unfortunately, this empowerment is really just masked manipulation.
Needless to say parents want their children to love them... however, the cost of wanting their children to love them while they are suffering pales in comparison to the devastating costs associated with losing them in the long run.
So, when parents ask in exasperation, "Will my child ever love me again?" my answer can be hard for them to hear. I explain to them that their child will in all likelihood make it clear to them up-front that the answer will be no... today. However, over time as healing takes hold, those parents will eventually see the longer-term gains of building a love that perhaps did not even exist at that level before.
Let us know what you have experienced...
Posted by Hannah Cleveland on Mon, Dec 28, 2009
As Intake Coordinator, I frequently find myself speaking to a parent with a child in crisis. Every child presents a unique case, but the descriptions I hear often include some combination of the following...defiant, dependent, anxious, depressed, angry, disengaged, struggling, at-risk. I am inundated with countless Dx/Rx profiles from A to Z.
In addition to describing our services and fees, I strive to give these families a sense of hope for a positive outcome. This is easy for me to say, but I recognize that the words may sound hollow to a parent whose angst may be complicated by feelings of guilt, hopelessness, and desperation. Although there are never guarantees when working with difficult issues and complex family dynamics, I want parents to understand that there are a myriad of opportunities for high-impact change.
Specialized schools and programs that once didn't exist to families in crisis are now staffed with some of the most dedicated and credentialed practitioners in the country. When our educational consulting team has had an opportunity to help identify and match complex needs with the appropriate expertise and setting, the outcomes have been beyond what I would have ever expected. In the end, it's all about finding the right fit and therefore getting it right the first time... and that is where the role of a proven educational consulting team comes into play.
We hear from parents of current and former clients, almost on a daily basis, who are ecstatic to see their son or daughter on the path to a healthy and happy future, something they never would have believed possible at one point in the past.
So folks, there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
Click for more on our positive outcomes...
Posted by Karen Plescia, M.S. on Tue, Oct 06, 2009
A couple weeks back, the fall air intoxicated me, and I whimsically advised juniors (and late-blooming seniors) of the top 10 things NOT to do when applying to colleges. Now I'm feeling a bit more sober as I've been smacked back to reality by stressed seniors and their parents. If there is one message to parents that I would love to shout from the top of our office building, it is this:
As tempting as it may be to micro-manage the process or step in and "save" your child, DON'T do it!
Rather than just yell more about what students and their parents shouldn't do, I'd instead like to offer some balanced suggestions. These are intended for parents who are just beginning the process of researching college options with their children as well as for those who are knee-deep in it with their high school senior children.
DO outline your expectations and limitations (especially financial) clearly, but DON'T impose your expectations for the "look and feel" of the institution on your child. Let your child explore!
DO make a plan for when and how often you will communicate about the status of your child's college process, but DON'T expect to get a positive responsive if you bombard your child with questions as she's on the way out the door or when she first wakes up on the weekend. PLAN for successful communication!
Similarly, DO listen to your child's expectations, hopes and dreams for her college experience. By doing this, you will indicate that the process belongs to her - as does the responsibility for what gets done and what doesn't. Therefore, DON'T use the pronouns "we" or "our" in your discussions with her or anyone else ...as in "We would love to get into Harvard" or "We haven't written our essay yet."
Gaining admission to college is not a status competition; DON'T turn it into one for your child. DO encourage him to find the college that is the best fit for his learning style, career goals, social interests, and personality.
DON'T think you are saving your child time or "helping him" by making phone calls to Admissions Offices to set up interviews or ask questions about his applications. Admissions offices would much rather hear directly from the applicant than a parent.
However, DO make contact with the Financial Aid offices early in the process to find out what documents you need to file and when. Your child will likely not be in a position to know all of the financial information needed to complete the necessary forms.
Finally there are a few cardinal rules that are simply NON-NEGOTIABLE:
- DO NOT under any circumstances complete applications or write/over-edit essays for your child.
- DO be supportive, interested, and engaged.
- DO keep perspective in the process and the process in perspective. Love your child enough to help her do the same.
Any parent anecdotes? Confessions? Let us hear them...
Posted by Karen Plescia, M.S. on Wed, Sep 16, 2009
It's fall. Even though the leaves haven't yet begun to turn colors, it feels like fall. The air in New England has taken a turn toward crisp, fall sports teams have played their first competitive matches, football is on TV, the apples are ripe, and students are settled back into their academic year routines.
For high school seniors, that means that they are well into the fall college application rhythm (or they should be by now). Ideally, at least one round of campus visits are behind them, they've narrowed their lists to a realistic number of colleges to which they will apply, essays are being polished, and their teachers are contemplating what to write in recommendations.
For juniors, the beginning of the school year means the anticipation. As they watch their senior friends stress about "getting it all done" and "getting in," they wait on pins and needles for their spring guidance counselor meetings to officially kick off their own descent into the frenzied process that has come to define applying to college. My job as an educational consultant is to help students - and their families - keep in check at least some of the anxiety, stress and craziness.
And so to that end, I offer juniors - and late-blooming seniors - my top 10 list of things NOT to do when applying to college.
10. Avoid talking to your parents about how you and they will fund your college education
9. Skip campus visits all together or "wait to see where you get in" before visiting colleges
8. Get senioritis and take an easy course load
7. Wait until the last minute to ask teachers to write recommendations for you
6. Post pictures of you drunk or other embarrassing content on social networking web sites
5. Let your parents do the research and create the list of colleges to which you will apply
4. Apply to colleges based on where your friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. are applying
3. Don't explain a discrepancy in your academic record when a good explanation exists (for example, an illness or a death in the family)
2. Try to "hide" something (for example, suspension or other disciplinary actions)
1. Have someone else write your essay(s)
Stay tuned for my follow-up, in which I will feature a top 10 list for parents of those applying to college...
Posted by Joshua C. Doyle, M.Ed. on Fri, Sep 11, 2009
When is the last time someone had anything even remotely positive to say about homework? Everyone has or has had it. No one really likes it, but we have all needed to do it. 
The debate continues as to whether homework really helps a student with academics or is better levied as a vehicle for teaching time management and responsibility. Who knows? That's for another day. One thing I can report from my vantage point is that there is seemingly a strong correlation between parental over-involvement in homework and parent-child acrimony.
If I were king for a day, I would rule that parents CANNOT exert too much muscle in assisting with homework - that goes for the process and discipline as well as the homework content itself. Let me be clear... I see no problem if children occasionally ask their parent(s) specific questions about their homework, but that prompt needs to come from them. And, periodic participation is one thing; letting homework dominate evening or weekend routines is a recipe for disaster.
One thing to realize is that the most well-intentioned, patient, and competent parents can prove to be the worst homework helpers for their children. Parents obviously want their children to do well, but oftentimes helping them in the wrong ways can manifest in enablement. Sooner or later, with a new source of friction, bickering and fighting between parents and children over homework can drive their relationship in a toxic direction.
Did you ever imagine that your relationship with your child would be in turmoil over something as trivial as long division? Life is way too short and precious to let something like that come between you and the child you love... But, like many other sources of angst, if left unaddressed, every day can become a struggle. Homework sessions essentially become Epic War Battles and end like Greek Tragedies.
When you are insistent on helping your child with their homework, take some time and consider if you are really part of the solution or are actually part of creating a bigger problem.
Please feel welcome to share your reactions...
Posted by Karen Plescia, M.S. on Mon, Jul 27, 2009
Ah, the lazy, hazy days of summer. Remember what it was like to look forward to summer as a kid? Three whole months! No school. No homework. Long hours of daylight. Lots of ice cream. My mother usually made sure to fill up a couple of weeks with day camps and rec programs so that my brother and I wouldn't drive her to the brink of insanity but these were carefree months.
Eventually, as a teenager, summer meant that I could work more hours to earn money that I would spend hanging out with friends at the mall or the movies or the local coffee shop. Not to pay bills; we didn't have cell phones then. If we had, I either wouldn't have been allowed to have one, or I'm sure my father would have introduced me to bill-paying as a teen. Even though I was "working", those three whole months of summer were still a vacation. They allowed me a break from the routine of getting up early, completing the compulsory number of hours in a school day, and committing several after-school hours each day to various school or community activities.
And so why am I surprised that I have to nag, beg, cajole and bargain with students to work on their college admissions essays over the summer? When I meet with students and parents each spring, to a person (students included), the number one stated objective, far and above all others, is "to be done with the college admissions essays and hopefully applications" before school resumes in September. The concept is great. The reality is that high school seniors-to-be want those three whole months to be as carefree as teenager can be in today's world.
But my job is to rain on their parade, be a party pooper, and stand-in for their parents as "nag" or "bad guy" on all things college-related. If I am successful at my job (which I am in most cases), students have, at the very least, completed the heavy lifting parts of applying to college before the first day of their senior year. The activities "resume" is done, the Common Application is 90% finished (with maybe just a few college supplements left to complete), and the major essay(s) might still need a tweak or two, but they're largely done. I try to make it as painless as possible. We tackle things in small pieces that usually require just a few hours' commitment each week through July and August. I don't hear many complaints, and those I do hear usually come from the students who procrastinate.
When September rolls around and my students go back to school, they realize how much further along they are in the application process than their peers. They don't experience the stress of trying to get essays written while studying for the SATs or completing the Common Application late at night when they're exhausted after a sports practice. That's when they realize that the minor intrusion on their three whole months off was well worth it.
It's mid-July, and I'm in "nag mode" right now. I won't breathe easy until next spring when all the admissions decisions have been received. Then I'll take one whole month before starting the cycle over with a new group. Ahhh, May!